Von Trash

Von Trash
This is art.

About Me

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Australia
I am a living contradiction, an extroverted apathetic human with a narcissistic twist. My general interests are gore, teapots, misanthropy and anything in the Avant Garde category.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Self harm.

I´m putting a couple of other blog entries on hold for just a moment to have a little personal rant.

Self harm is not a failed suicide attempt, self harm is not just to be attention seeking and it is not a joke. Self-injury is highly addictive and equally as highly misunderstood. There are cases of people self-injuring as a show of self-hatred and there are cases of people doing it purely for attention. Now, people also misconstrue the attention thing. As soon as someone says: ¨She/he cuts themselves for attention.¨ People instantly make fun of them/have a bad opinion of said person. But, if you think about it logically, the idea that someone needs to go to the extent of hurting oneself for any amount of validation is proof enough that they need help.

Self harm also is not just about cutting ones wrist and being ¨Emo¨.
Self harm can be:
* Burning themselves
* Poisoning or overdosing
* Scratching themselves
* Carving words or symbols on their skin
* Breaking their bones
* Hitting or punching themselves
* Piercing their skin with sharp objects
* Head banging
* Pulling out their hair
* Interfering with wound healing
* Pinching themselves
* Biting themselves

Self-harming can be a way that people deal with feelings of:

* helplessness, despair and low self-esteem
* anger, loneliness, shame and guilt
* not having control over their life
* being 'out of it' – so the only way to feel 'real' is to cause physical pain to themselves.

Some self-harm is related to severe emotional pain. When people have experienced abuse or violence, it often re-appears as emotional pain in later life. Some people have said that:

* When they hurt themselves physically, it helps take away the emotional pain.
* Self-harm makes internal pain visible on the surface. It is showing that there is a problem that needs to be addressed.
* Self-harm is a way that people punish themselves for something.

People who harm themselves...

* may have difficulty expressing their feelings verbally
* may dislike themselves and their bodies
* may do it because of difficulties with relationships
* may do it because of mental health issues such as depression, anxiety or stress.

One thing people don´t realise, is that other than being highly addictive and shameful for the self harmer, it´s not just a slow and steady thing. Self harm progresses and gets worse.
I self harmed from the age of eleven and I am not saying this to get attention, I´m saying this because I want to make people away that it is fucking life changing.

For me, it started with scratching myself. I am not talking about scratching a mosquito bite. I scratched myself until the skin was red and raw; and it would tear. I would bleed and scab and then I would scratch the scabs off. It was terrible. I would end up in these anxious, self mutilating fit until I ended up with skin and blood all over my nails. Around 12 years old I started cutting myself; only little nicks here and there. Mostly around my upper thighs and left wrist. By the age of thirteen I was drinking, cutting, scratching and giving myself smilies with lighters. At fourteen/fifteen was probably my worst time for self harming. I reached such a self deprecation and shameless state I would leave the house still bleeding and not care.

At fifteen I stabbed myself in the leg with a butchers knife three times whilst severely drunk, and ended up in hospital. This time in my life was incredibly hard to deal with. I had been kicked out of home and was suffering from Anxiety, Post Traumatic Stress and Depression (which I am still dealing with today). I was in a terrible, terrible state and ran away to Brisbane. I spent Six weeks in Brisbane drinking and taking a lot of drugs. I lost a lot of weight, shaved off all my hair and ended up being arrested for theft - which is why I returned home to my mother, brother and sister.

By the age of sixteen I was back out of home and self harming more than ever. Pills, pot, alcohol, burning, self mutilation - you name it. To this day I struggle with PTSD and Depression. Although I do not cut anymore, and I don´t get high or drunk to mask certain feelings - it´s still there and probably always will be.

How did I stop my self harming?
I suppose in a way I haven´t, to be completely honest. Sometimes I still get upset and the urge to do something harmful rises, but I try my best to ignore it. When things get really tough, I indulge in a few too many drinks, but to each their own I suppose. But, that being said, in many ways I am a lot better. I feel more confident nowadays, and have more ups than downs. I have stopped hurting myself physically and moved onto more constructive ways to deal with myself. I also have an amazing person in my life, my best friend and probably soul mate, Bradley, who has been helping me for the past two years to grow into a happier, more self respecting person.

Why am I writing about this? Because it´s not as simple as ¨Oh that emo, look at their cuts¨, it´s more fucking serious than that. People live with mental illnesses for their entire lives, don´t you think that is enough? They don´t need your judgement or ridicule. They need someone to love and someone to love them.
I´ve watched people suffer my whole life and I could never understand why people mock them and it isn´t until you lose someone to suicide that you really understand that self harm is a serious problem.

I know this blog entry is probably very scrambled and erratic, probably because this subject makes me highly emotional, which is why I don´t open up about my feelings in real life and will not be discussing this blog any further if someone asks me about it. But, I urge you, please support foundations like Beyondblue.com and To Write Love On Her Arms and if you know someone who is, or who you think is, dealing with depression and self harm - do something. Reach out. Don´t ignore it.


<3

1 comment:

  1. When I see some one with fine scars all over them, I just think to myself, 'Hurr if you're really getting so much relief from it, why don't you cut deeper.'

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