A rant

This isn´t my usual kind of post, but I´m feeling like I need to get it out and off my chest. I´ve done some horrible things. I have fucked so many people over in my short lifetime. I´ve experienced some excruciatingly traumatic events so I have used it as a sought of excuse to get away with being disloyal to people. Well, I will no longer do that and no longer stand for rude, intolerant and horrible people.

I am cutting all the bullshit from my life. No more backstabbing anyone, no more lying, no more horrible remarks, no more arrogance, no more vanity. I can´t do it. It´s built up to a point where it´s causing me heartache and I feel an insane amount of guilt for just the smallest thing now. I don´t want to be like this. I want to be real. I want to be admirable. I want to be a beautiful person, not a complete cunt.

I have talked shit behind friends backs just because everyone else was. I go along with the conversation because I am so fucking afraid to piss anyone off if I don´t agree with them and it all ties in with my disgusting about of vanity. I am obsessed with image and this past week I have been trying to let go of that for the simple fact I never wanted to be this kind of girl. I have faked confidence for so long that I don´t even know who I am anymore. I don´t know what I want or need. I have lost myself in the process of trying to BE something. When I posted the picture on Tumblr of one of my ¨problem areas¨ it was to prove to myself that image doesn´t matter. I need to find that quirky, introverted extrovert again. The one with an innocent heart and no bad intentions.

Jealousy, vanity and arrogance are like poison. They make you sick; well I want to get better! I want to be cured. I don´t care what people think of me. I don´t care if I am not ¨up to your standards¨. I don´t care if you think I am a loser. I DON´T CARE ANYMORE!

From here on in I pledge that I will not lie unless absolutely necessary, I will not agree with someone´s opinions over a subject or person just because I don´t want to cause conflict. I will do my absolute best to be the best friend, girlfriend and human being I possibly can and thus, I promise I will not be so self-consumed, greedy, quarrelsome and mean. I will not FAKE it anymore. I will not pretend. I will not put on a show for anybody from this day forward because I am sick of acting. This is the last scene and the credits are rolling - I want to go back to being myself now.

xx